I have lost it. Mentally and physically unfortunately. I was completely unprepared for the psychological effects drastic weight loss would have. I am this mushy mess of too much confidence combined with an overwhelming insecurity and a deep seated need for people to KNOW the struggle I've been through and all that I have accomplished. I am still slightly plump, although my old self would tell my new self to go hell because a size 8/10 is nothing to grumble about. But still, I am "slightly plump." I am still 15 pounds overweight according to the BMI index. I know that people look at me and don't realize that I can run 10 plus miles or that I can do unassisted pullups. Yeah I get it, I've got a large ass.... but I can carry that ass across miles of pavement with these chubby thighs for hours, can you? Go back to eating your 5 portions of pasta and stop judging me. That is literally how I feel. And because of those emotions, I am constantly discussing my abilities.... I wear it like a badge to every conversation I have "Oh hai.. I'm a runner.... I've lost 85 pounds here I am. amazing.. please take note and revere me." This isn't healthy obviously. How am I such a beast at the gym, and so insecure in my life, and how the hell do I reconcile those two people within myself? Because honestly, posting about it on facebook constantly is starting to drive people nuts. There have been other factors that have led to my current mental breakdown one being the meltdown of my marriage over the past year and a half. Thankfully those issues have been working themselves out and my husband and I have talked and communicated our way out of a really bad place. I've lost my closest girlfriend. She just could not handle who I had become. She felt my only focus was working out.... she probably had a point. But in my defense, I was going through such a dark time and despite countless attempts to ask for her help, she felt it more interesting to talk about her awesome new relationship and offered the advice that I find a hobby. I just needed her to listen... and maybe tell me I looked good.... I needed that feedback from someone. My personality has morphed. I went from a very quiet depressed 252 pound woman that avoided any social interaction to a woman that gets attention from men, loves to chat and is quite dynamic. Most people have no idea how to process that change. But how do you not change when you go through such a huge transformation? And is it really change? Or am I finally just free to by myself not weighed down by, well physical weight for one, and two the depression that comes with being overweight and insecure in your own skin. struggles struggles struggles..... (and not just the ones on the pavement) consume me... make me second guess myself... wonder if who I am as a person is lacking in some way. Or am I just being judged because I am succeeding? How do I know?